Sexual shame affects everybody, in and out of the bedroom. It stops our pleasure, blocks our sexuality and holds us back from following our true desires. Even though it has a simple name it is a powerful and invisible force that is hard to beat. In this article I am presenting a step by step method that will help you clear the obstacles of sexual shame once and for all.
Sexual shame comes in many different ways:
Shame about being sexual
For example “Good girls don’t want sex” or “I will look slutty” or “I will look cheap”.
Shame about our body
For example “I am too thin to love” or “I am too fat to have sex” or “I am too ugly to be loved”.
Shame about our desires
For example “If I tell what I really desire to my sex partner he/she will think I’m weird” or “This is abnormal, only perverts do that”
Shame about sinful sex
For example “What I truly desire makes me dirty or bad in the eyes of God”
Experts tell us that sexual shame is a result of many years of sexual oppression. The church and the governments were always repressing sexuality and still do. The only permissible form of sex was the one for reproduction purposes. Women who were considered too sexual were locked up or punished. Children who were masturbating were punished as well. If a woman got pregnant without being married it would mean she had to be sent away from her social network or family. All these things happened just one generation behind. This “dark” history is important to know if we want to fight sexual shame and guilt. It’s also important to know that nowadays, in some countries women are killed if they are accused of adultery. This shameful legacy affects us all even if we are liberated people.
Today there’s the advantage that you can find information on how to get rid of sexual shame and this is what I’ll talk about next in a step-by-step manner. So how do you do it? Well, first you must know that it will take persistence and time. You must identify the ways sexual shame is holding you back and then start reducing its powers and begin to feel free in your sex life…
Step 1: Identify where the “Shame Message” came from
Maybe you don’t want to show your naked thighs to your lover or maybe you are afraid of wearing that sexy dress because it may make you look slutty or cheap. Maybe your fantasy includes some spanking but you believe that only a pervert desires such things. Whatever the case, when you notice sexual shame or guilt appearing, identify it for what it is. Pay attention to the “if” and “then” connection. IF you do something THEN you will be rejected or judged or be considered unlovable. When you spot sexual shame name the message specifically and then remember where you learned this. Was it from your parents? The church? From culture at large? From a past sex partner maybe? Name the message.
Step 2: Decide whether you agree with the identified message
Once you identify and name the “Shame Message” you can decide whether you agree with it or not. Do you agree that your thighs look ugly? Would it make you feel good to wear that sexy dress? Do you think that some sensual spanking would make you a bad person or a pervert? Having your own values in mind try to see where the sexual shame fits in your own beliefs. Because most of the times these “Shame Messages” are not our own. They are something we inherited from somewhere else. Having this perspective you can choose to dismiss the “Shame Messages” and be more authentic based on your own values and beliefs.
Step 3: Change the “Shame Message” you tell to yourself
This step is a bit difficult because you are required to change the “Shame Message” and tell something more positive to yourself. For example don’t say “I will not let my sex partner see my thighs”. Instead flip the switch with a positive message like “I have a beautiful body which deserves pleasure!”. Don’t say “I should not wear this sexy dress because people will think I’m a slut”. Instead flip the switch and say something like “This sexy dress really makes me feel good and I will go to the party wearing it!”. The flip of the switch should happen in your internal monologue and it requires repetition because you must shift your emotional patterns. This is not easy but if you insist it will work over time. Be sure about that.
Step 4: Notice how your body feels
As you flip the switch and start replacing “Shame Messages” with more authentic messages you should check how your body feels and reacts. For example how does your body feels when you wear that sexy dress? How does it feel when you let your sex partner touch your thighs? How do you feel when you ask your partner for some sensual spanking? Pay full attention to how your body feels. Most importantly feel the pleasure that’s been given to you and let your sensations be a guide for you. A guide towards sexual pleasure and fulfillment of your fantasies and desires.
Step 5: Refuse to shame others
If we want to free ourselves from sexual shame and guilt we must all change our sexual culture completely. I believe this change has already started. You can be a part of it by deciding not to poison others with shame. Every time you catch yourself judging other people just stop. Also, try to stop your friends or family when they shame other people. You will notice that people are shaming others very often… “Look at her, she’s dressed like a whore”, “Look at him driving that big, expensive car, is he making up for his small penis?” “Can you believe that woman? How can she date a younger man like that?” and many more judgements people make poisoning others with sexual shame.
The more we try to find an authentic sexual expression, the better our societies will be. People must start to create a more positive, more safe, more pleasurable sex culture. So be it!
Recommended for MEN:
Are you interested in making sexual shame disappear from your life? Then discover the Multi Orgasmic Lover. It contains many modules one of which is dedicated to make sexual shame dissolve completely… Learn more…
Recommended for WOMEN:
Do you find it hard to make the man of your dreams obey you and fulfill your desires? Discover the Penguin Method… Read more…